lovely together; I love you

Monday, August 31, 2009Y

replacing me are you?

im going to bed hungry cos i have no food to eat.
im not poor.
i just dont know what to eat.
i was suppose to go out to buy food half an hr ago.
but everyone forgot abt me.

i havent smoked in 2 days.
i cant take it..

urgh!
today sucked!
and tumoro im heading back to hell.
:( :(

know why i hate work so much.
cos i go there alone.
i eat alone.
i work alone.
i go home alone.
its not that i dont have anyone.
i dont trust any of them.
i go there with caution.
i protect myself.
one day all of them are gonna pounce on me.
yesh! guys only friend me.
girls dislike me.
i dont get why.

sigh!
i feel like running away tumoro but to where thats the mystery.

i feel utterly alone.
even if you promised me that you would be there for me
all the time.

its empty promises.
cos hunny, it doesnt work that way.

i wanted to spend a day out today.
instead i spent a day in.
i hate staying at home.
its like going to work.
i want to go out.
i feel much better.

plans get spoilt.
urgh! fuck this.
i dont knw what i feel..
i feel so manythings in one.

i want to go back to coll.
i feel much safer there.
but i dont want to go back.
atleast not till i pass up my report.

it seems i spoil ppls plans when i go there.
i did it once.
i had a scary outcome from it..
i promised myself NOT to do that again.

the day i pass up that report.
is the LAST day id be seeing that blue,orange,white college.
im not heading back for visits.
i dont wanna end up likee (read above)
AGAIN.

i told you im not gonna be like that.
i promised u an hr ago.
i would forget this...

i did..
well, this is not abt what happen..

i dont understand what is WRONG with me
i really dont.
i use to not care abt anything..
but you are different.
everything you do i care..
i really dont want to cos its scary.

forget about the past.
yeah we were happy. that was
like a fairy tale.
now its reality.
our happyness is short.
thats the reality of it.
how to change things i dont know.

yeah you are right we dont cooperate with eachother.
we dont compromise at times.
can i say its very selfish.
i am.

its wrong too.
i dont know why.
i cant have you do things my way.
you certainly cant have me do things your way.

its difficult.
we are just not on the same page
when it comes to us.

if i could kidnap you forever.
i would, cos i couldnt let you go today.
i really had that feeling not to let you go.
but i had to.
bite my tongue.
hold myself back.
i have to let you go.

you arent mine.
not yet.

9:26:00 PM

Friday, August 28, 2009Y

"i dont wanna let you down, i dont wanna lead you on, i dont wanna
hold you back from where you might belong."

urgh!
im currently OBSESSED with the song.
Knock you down by keri hilson, neyo& kanye west.

OMGS!!!

hehehehehehehehehe...
ermmm.. yeah
im suppose to be sleeping now.
but my droopy eyes cant seem to close.
yeah..

"you're so beautifuuuuulll!! so damn beautifuuuuuullll....!!!"
hahahha i love this song too.. errrr...
akon beautiful..

someone sing this to me.
i dont wanna be told im pretty.
but sung too..
hahahaha

i have many expectations.
and its fun :)
i seem jolly now.
family dinners now adays are getting interesting.

everyone's been asking me
wheres your boyfriend.
why dont he come over anymore.

wtf?
you get angry when he always comes.
now he doesnt you ask why.
i dont care!
LIVE WITH IT!
he come when he feels like it okay.?

tumoro SHOPPING AFTER WORK!
IM IN FOR A LONG WEEKEND!! :)

10:22:00 PM

"sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down.
just get back up when it knocks you down."

hey! i spent time with my nephews today.
i feel happy..

ive got nothing much going on with my life..
im very the lifeless.

im heading to pavi tumoro& monday..

tumoro a family outing and monday
Merdeka FUCK!
an outing with my darling isaac.
and maybe serra..
yeesh!!!

poor boy. i remember i used to be in his position.
it sucked really.

hrmm..
well, im between being happy and sad.
lets just say im getting therE?
i hope soo..

i just dont know how to talk to anyone anymore.
im used to not speaking much to ppl back at the hotel.
it seems every guy is fighting for my attention..

always asking me about my boyfriend!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
there is this one guy who is just annoying.
always asking to take me out..
fuck wherE?

yeah..
someone told me along time ago.
"i didnt know that he was your boyfriend.
he looked like he was single.
cos i never see you and he never told me.
im sorry i didnt know.
dont get angry.."

just makes me laugh everytime.
i want to paste it up here so i dont forget.
hahahahhaha

single?
dont u miss that feeling.
no offence.
i feel much single now adays
cos im always alone.
yeesh!
i dont mean anything.
i love you.
thats how i feel okay.

alright i gtg..
Lamb chops calling for me!
:)

8:11:00 PM

Thursday, August 27, 2009Y

"why cant you see? you belong with me?"

ey! well, training is absolutely LIFELESS.
i just got so bored of it today.
urgh! just because im different you dont have to treat me like a social outcast.

why isit so wrong to u that i cant speak your language?
im still human arent i?
you dont make a single fuck sense.

grow up!
i didnt know hotels have immature babies working there.

well, yeah. its just boring..
a months gone.
and getting use to it..
but then again.
i just miss the comfort of my college and my friends.

tumoro and saturday is my last day in cold kitchen.
THANK GOD!
if i would have to top up and fillet salmon again
id kill myself!

i need my trainer(asshole) to sign my trainee evaluation slip.
shit! sure this is gonna be bad.

im so dead tired.
but my brains working..
hrrrmmmm....

ive been thinking alot.
i think my laptop should be my boyfriend.
i am always 24/7 with it.
i hug it.
i destress on it..
hahaha

ive been thinking alot..
yeah i think now.
and im scared of my thoughts.

i wanna go watch the orphan!
i wanna watch movies la!
im so dead sick of this 5 months torture..

URGH!
someone save me please?
anyone..????

10:10:00 PM

Sunday, August 23, 2009Y

"when you find you, come back to me."

ignore the pic.
i found it on my desktop.
i like the heart.
i like this :)

im not self-obsessed.
i dont like posting pictures of myself on my blog.
im not like my besties.
hehe.. errrmmmmm...

oops! i love uuu 2 girls.
and guys? :D

been spending weekends with my ser&rhea.
i helped my darling isaac
and made him feel better.

im happy!
im proud of myself.

but not so happy.
im exhausted!
honestly, i am.

next week ive got a long weekend.
and im gonna stay home 3days and rest.
get ready for the next phase of my life.

i wish i was you.
i really do.

yesterday was so random cos ppl started remembering me.
and i feel so touched :)

after my training.
multiple outings with those random ppl.
:) :)

im gonna get my license.
get my MYVI(lameee!)
and do what ever i wanna do!

im gonna be driven to my destination..
and drive back home.

i cant always do this.
i cant rely on everyone to send me whereever i wanna go
i need to learn.
i wanna take public transport..
NO!
i wanna find my own way..
NO!
so im left with forced to drive..

yeah..
gosh..

i miss afew ppl.
and i wanna see them again.
but i need to rest as well..
urgghh..
haha

2nd month..
coming up soon.

i hate the cold kitchen.
not my kinda place.
i dont like salads.
dressings..
vege..
sucks!

i want something more challenging.
buut yet i dont screw it up.

i tell my self everyday.
"today is a new day, whether u like it or not.."
get on with it!

yeah..
im pushing myself.
even when i really admit defeat.
i want to finish this off.
with no problems no complaints.
but i have to complaints, im experiencing problems.

okay im going off now..
gotta get ready to go back to hell.

:)

10:16:00 PM

Sunday, August 16, 2009Y

"if you were falling,
then i will catch you.
you need a light,
ill find a match.."

hrmmm..
days are sorta flying by fast..
cold kitchen are kinda filled LCLY ppl.
fuck. yeesh!

he didnt say anything abt the post.
i guess he wasnt in a good mood.

hrmm...
i cut myself many of times..
stupid knives.
my fingers arefilled with cuts.
ehhh...

i cant sleep and i dunno if i have to wake for church.
im darn tired..
but then again.
i miss today..
it was fun.
sweet..
yeah.

thank you.
i needed this.

4 more mnths
denise!
you can do it!!

im not completely lifeless..
atleast i dont have to
work from 6am-10pm.
thats suicide.

hahahha..
well, the price i pay for choosing this line..
but it wont be for long.
im NOT gonna go thru this line.
i can but i just dont want..

it seems every guy in NIKKO
wants to be my bestfriend.
it scares me..

i dont feel safe there.
i need some extra protection.
why are you doing this to me??

i saw a KDU commercial today.
and i so miss the coll.
friends,boyfriend,smoking zone.
fucked up lecturers..
yeah. thats the life..

but like he always tells me.
we all have to grow up some day.

im a laid back person.
i like the company of friends and a cozy spot to just be in.

i miss benny.
i see him everyday.
but its not enough..

nopenope.
not!

i feel very selfish at times.
but i didnt ask him to do so..
he wanted it.
cos he thinks its for the best.

i hope it is.
for us..

imma go to bed now..

update again tumoro.

3:14:00 AM

Friday, August 14, 2009Y

you always been there for me.
you are my shoulder to cry on..

i can never live a day without you.
it may sound silly and childish..
they dont know us like we do..

we fight&cry..
but as the day ends
we always forgive eachother.

you support me throughout everything baby.
for that i thank you..
for that ill return the favour.

i have never felt this way before.
so you are something very special.

i dont know how to really show i love you.
but deep down.
you know..

you care for me..
you protect me.
you keep me out of the pouring rain..
you hug me when im feeling cold.
you make sure i get something to eat..
you scold me when im doing wrong..
you tell me always to be strong..
you sacrificed all your time for me..

im sorry if ive done anything wrong in the past.
i was stupid,
and im still learning how to love you.

i know this is forever.
i have a strong feeling.

we may not agree with eachother.
we may not always share the same interest

but we are for eachother.
no matter the difference.

always&forever baby.

im yours,

Benny leong chun hoo.♥

i love you forever ♥

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im so inlove with you.

9:17:00 PM

hrm..

im trying.
going to work soon..
i couldnt sleep last night.
my heart is racing..

and i miss my baby ALOT!

i guess training is working out for all of you..
we will see eachother soon in 4mnths time.

its not working out for me but im trying my best.
i can do this..
cos i want to finish this...

okay gtg nowww...

update later.

7:06:00 AM

Thursday, August 13, 2009Y

urgh! work again!
FAK YOU LAH!

i hate training..
its no fun and the ppl are just so fucked up!
i miss all the people i love.
esp you!

sigh!
i wounder what its like to be surrounded by beautiful people?
or be a beautiful person myself..
i wonder whats it like to be so loved
and given so much attention..

i wonder whats it like to be like you..
i wish i was..

4more months left.
i can do it!
even how much it kills me EVERYDAY.
im trying my best here.

my trainer is an asshole.
i can see it.
fuck him lah..
bloody asshole.
he looks very dissapointed or upset?
i dont like him at all.
urgh!

2more weeks and im out of that hell hole.
its cold but boring.

so much frustration&anger.
i blame myself.
yet i wonder why are these ppl like this?
what did i do wrong?
why isit wrong to not know what they know
and be like them?
i dont get it.

okay i got to go.
its time to sleep cos its back to HELL.

i thought i got out of it.
now im back in it..

"im stuck in hell and the devil is everywhere."

10:02:00 PM

Saturday, August 08, 2009Y

didnt go to the beach.

oh well,
not too happy.

what to do.

what do you want me to say?
im fine? i love you..
i guess i got issues with myself.
its very hard to tell you.
im full of emotion.
and the least i want is anything else
to make it worse.
its hard to tell you cos everytime i look at you.
i just cant .. and unwanted tears starts dribbling down.
the more i go deeper in this "training"
the more ill lose you.
im not saying anything.
i wont even bet on it.
but i can see it.
what am i to do?
how pls tell me.
you aint doing anything wrong.
its not your fault.
its mine.
can i ask you somethings..
answer me honestly,
are you boreD?
are you sick&tired??
is there any space for me left in there?
cos it seems everytime i look at you.
your body is here.
but your head and soul is somewhere
thinking of something else or someone else.
fuck i know.

im trying okay. i really am.
but how am i too
when everything you use to love abt me
is what you hate now.

idk.. you always ask me whats wrong with us.
i honestly dont know.
do u want a break?
do u ever think of seeing other ppl?

i dont think of such not anymore.
cos day by day. i need you more.
but it seems with or without me
you seem to be doing very well,
you complain we dont date much,
its fine with me but not with you.
the time is always not right
when we do go out.
there is nothing much to do.
call me a boring person or whatever.
you walk along with me but
you dont seem to be there.

i have my faults too.
things i didnt do thats making this
relationship suffer.

do u think of me?
i rush out of work just so i can call you.
i try to get more breaks cos you are the only person i want to talk to.
are you a selfish person?
i know i am?
but im trying to drop that.
would you hide anything to just save this relationship?
im learning to not expect so much from you.
cos i want to go with the flow now.
where ever it may take us.
is the road we both choose.

ive got nothing else to say.
im running ou of breathee..
im sorry.
think this over.

i really need you to tell me.

9:00:00 PM

post 805.

i stayed up until 4am
for a msg saying
"im sleeping over tonight or im going home."

i figured arnd 3.50am that the msg wasnt gonna come.
stoopid me.
dumb huh?
haha.

well, im heading down to the beach for a breathe of fresh air..
i hate getting sick.
but im feeling better though.
hehehehhehe....

yeah. i guess.
sometimes i wonder.
what is the reason for staying up so late.
listening to songs that remind me
abt how much i miss you..
and cry abt it.

yeah..
stoopid right?

hrmmm..
ow well, im gonna get ready for the beach..
:)

11:37:00 AM

1.54am
"the pieces dont fit here anymore."

"waking up in the morning and the first person i see is you",
is the sweetest thing anyone could say.
but the biggest mistake is
loving that person too much,
cos when they snap out of it.
thats when you lose everything..
-jon w-

yeah.. P.S I LOVE YOU got to be the most sweetest movie ive seen.
not gonna lie here.
yes, i cried.

from the start till the end.

it just got to me.
i live in other ppls happiness and sadness.

and i cant figure out what is mine.

i blogged 3 times today cos i got nothing better to do.

i was out today and i saw this cute couple walking pass me.
they both looked so :) and all i could do is smile at them..

yeah, i tried and im still trying.
but something is very much gone.
dont ask. i cant figure it out myself.

if u ask me what i want from you again.
id answer NOTHING.
cos u know what i want..
if you still dont know then dont bother asking another time.

yeah..
in this moment of time.
in this 5mnths..
i need support from everyone.
my family, him, .friends

i maybe needy, clingy&disfunctional
according to some ppl..
thats cos they make me happy okay?

but it seems some of them are just doing it cos its just their job.
oh well, cant force em can i?

so u happy?
stop talking abt me.
arent you tired??

urgh! i hate feeling like this..
dont tell me. the next 4mnths im gonna feel like shit everyday.
while ppl make me feel worse.

i just want someone to ask me deeply am i alright.
as i see the concern in their eyes.
id use their shoulder to cry on.

1:53:00 AM

Friday, August 07, 2009Y

hi do you even remember me?

you sure?

dont lie.

goodbye.

4:57:00 PM

home sick.

hey, im sick..
i went to the doc cos i they thought i go H1N1.
fuck right?

well, i dont..
not that serious though..

hrmm...
i havent much to do..
i feel safer at home then i feel in the hotel.

i had a good breakfast with my parents today.
and i havent had such since highschool.
i miss them..

my sister got excepted in a company in philippines.
she will be doing training there for a mnth and a half..
my nephews and my mom is going along.
i dont want that to happen.

the more i feel alonee.
i need my mom .
and she wouldnt be here.
i will be stuck with all guys again.
the usual.
urgh! who will i talk to..
who will talk to me when i am sad.
for a month and a half i will be absolutely on my own..
idk how.
i feel sad.
i have been for a week now.

i hate this..
all i can say.
i made a mistake.
ive been making mistakes.
i miss all of them.

i was born and raised in a country i despise.
this is so them.
one word. USELESS.

i tell u..
and im working with a bunch of them in the hotel.
fuck..

*sigh*

i miss my family very much.
and half of them are leaving next month.
i dont want this to happen.
its so sad.
they seem excited but i dont feel that thrilled.
yeah im happy for her.
but then i need my MOM!

oh well, ill take this emoness somewhere else la.
i need a rest i dont feel good.

4:30:00 PM

Thursday, August 06, 2009Y

"i want to be happy like you."

its day 4 at nikko hotel..
mm its okay lah..

enjoying it slighty..

but then again im just waiting for the day i get the cert from the HR
and fuck off that placee..
maybe throw some rotten eggs and say
" SO LONG NIKKO HOTEL."
hehehe...

i dont know what to think and what to feel now.
im feeling tired.
now i know how it feels to be alone and its a horrible feeling..
i dont want to go thru that..
i walked to all the way to klcc..
LONGG WALK!
hahaha...
walking to klcc i had lots of things running thru my mind..

sigh*

i hope by the end of my training..
everything remains the same..
it was the same 2 days ago..

but as i go on..
i feel a change.
and i feel sad..

i dont feel very happy.
i put a smile on my face but deep inside i feel
one thing ALONE.

yeahh..

well, im tired.
so goodnight..

i hope it gets better and better.
:)

7:56:00 PM

Wednesday, August 05, 2009Y

"so much left to mend."

hey,
do you know how it feels when you get your heart crushed
and your soul shattered?

yeah, sometimes do you wonder how much lies can be taken
and how much pain we have to suffer when we find out its not true.

yeah, do you wonder why some ppl are happy in and out
when im not?

yeah, do you ever wonder if what u doin is right or wrong?

yeah, well.. im tired.
and im off to bed.
night.

9:07:00 PM

starting work again soon.

its been 3 days. and im not so much of enjoying it..

whatever you ppl thought of me.
yeah, i guess you are right then.

ive made so many mistakes in my life..

can this be one of them?
:(

counting down till 5mnths is over.
i really need it to be over.

7:18:00 AM

Sunday, August 02, 2009Y

pictureless..

hey!
training is abt to start tumoro..
wtf!
not even ready for it!
this sucks la!

im so laid back that i kicked off my shoes and lost them somewhere far..
urgh!

save me someone..

"if peter pan were real i'd go with him and never come back."

1mnth holiday and i didnt really enjoy it one bit.
i only enjoyed the last 2wks.
and thats not enough..

i have to get myself ready for a party that would be in october.
FCK!

its gonna be in MOS..
on 6th Oct.
*sigh*
get off work and sleep in MOS.
hahahhahaha...

i have a feeling my eye bags are gonna grow as low as my sagged up boobs.
PFFFTS! hehhee

i wont be really seeing my boyfriend for 5mnths..
5mnths go by very fast
BUT

if im not enjoying it then it will go by dAYM slowww...

yeeeeshh!!!!
okay okay..
gotta go sleep now..
gotta get ready to get back to hell!
fuck this!!

note to self:
think b4 jumping into a course, think of something that you LOVE not LIKE!.

*sigh*sigh*

ehhhhh....
lets seeee what elseeee...

okay, next yr will be photography!!
yay!hooray!! hehehehe....

11:24:00 PM