lovely together; I love you

Thursday, November 30, 2006Y

it ends tonitee.

im so in love with. All american rejects - it ends tonitee and straight jacket feeling. My chemical romance- Helenna.Black parade.Im not okay.too the end.Ghost of you. Rascall flats- What hurts the most. Jojo- too little too late. and Pink- who knew. at times i think of dt song so sick by neyo =P hehe. Me and my music [:

Aba didnt take my comp away but what was weird is dt when he came my fone was ringing. he took it and well i think he is wondering who is tata and hubby? hehe . i dont care he will know sonner or later. Made myself my very own "mini cinema". ok think abt this. in ure room AC blowing at 14 degrees. Off the lights so dark. turn on the volume so loud.(horror show). with lots of food and drinks* healthy ones*. and pillows and blankets. the only thing missing is hubby. i have no clue why am i so happy? maybe im totally over it?. i misz hubby so much. not seeing him and holding him. My heart desirees more for him! DAMN you boy! cant you see i really misz you!. i Gt mad at ibu cos she mentioned "his" name. Gawd! i dont want to think abt him anymore. friends we are. nothing more or less.

i want to go school tumoro and i dont want to in a way. hubby kept on saying dt i wud do the same thing he did too me. NO! when i say i love you. i really MEAN it! and besides one heartbreak and hurt is enough. Tears i can take but heartache i cant!. im sorry. my self-confidence is slowly rising up. i guess?.

exam papers tumoro and im freaked out. i hope i did well. i studied my as* off for this. well, except Commerce. but still d paper was freakin easy. it didnt rain. :( i felt bad but good too. Watching stupid chinese zombie. sangat lucu la. hehe. Ibubapa is confusing us. i dont know what they want. Thinking to go penang for holiday. but they were like lets go to penang(first idea). then to camron. then to philippines. now singapore. then back to penang. seriously make up your mind. if not i dont want to go anymore. just give me cash and ill go out and spend it like a little loser. less then an hr its gonna be dec. finally. My time to shine. go shopping. Get my new fone. Go on holiday. spend christmas wid hubby. go out wid hubby. yea =) My kinda style. ibu allows hubby to sleep over? haha. i can see she really adores him. always talking abt him and stuff. well dts Mak. she always knows whats best?. [: Omg! what to give hubby. i just remembered. haha he and he's suprises. i cant wait? wtf? . Well. i guess dts abt it for today. in 15 mins its dec already. =)

10:54:00 PM

Shopping. Satisfaction.

didnt go to school today. did loads of things. Went for my dentist appointment. teeth hurt like hell. went to this clothing warehse called nichii fashion city. then off to klcc. i realized dt You dont make me happy. shopping does =P hehe. when going shopping with kak and ibu. i felt really relieved. and happy for the first time. i didnt need rain to satisfy me. i guess cos im away frm him. hubby. Maybe when i go back to school. it will be the same again?. i dunno. i was told dt im weak . loss of blood? wtf? haha

aba scolded me and he wants to take away my laptop. DARN! i hate this. well i gota give it to him. just to satisfy him. I guess i wont be blogging for another week?. who knows. I have my resources [: Hubby wont be coming to skul tumoro and next wk. sad.. well ya you dont make me happy. shopping does. =)

7:52:00 PM

Wednesday, November 29, 2006Y

Me&you.

Chatting wid my Mak Lia. Ow how much i misz her. we have been tru alot. besties always we are. It seems tht we both are so alike. same problems. same lifee?. she was telling me abt Her drama and i was tellin her abt mine. she made my day. she made me feel a lil better. i loved it when she said " im always here 4u. to lean on. im just one call away." im stupid. too stupid. i think i shud end it?! but i dont want too. i won but i feel like losing. i want to be happy. My happiness now is to cry.

It rained. finally!. kisses in the rain. memories. forgotten. reminded. Yes, i remember it so clearly. thunder made it extra special. Remember the thunder? i gt scared. you hugged me and said " baby, its alritee. im here and ill fight all your fears." brought tears to my eyes. ill keep denying us. until i do admit it. ignoring d feeling. need you as my friend.

Its crazy tht i love hubby but i have been writing alot abt him. the only thing dt He has dt hubby i will never is dt he took my heart when it was broken and paste it together again. it was whole and complete for 2 yrs until now. im sorry but i have to give him d credit for it. i loved you. Trust is always #1 in my rule book.

i hope he and hubby reads this. i want them to know. i never lie.

9:16:00 PM

No rain. no smile.

Last day of my Mocks. finished it. hope i passed. Parents day Saturday. i cudnt careless.
Nilu and i were alone together for the first time. she felt really bad for me and kept saying "i misz the old denise. where is she? let her out. you. you depressed fool!" she said tht its hard to see me like this for the first time. she feels the hurt. i nearly cried.

i played bball but kept missing my shots cos i wasnt concerntrating. My body is here but my heart and head is drifting off somewhere else. tell me how to be free?. can my heart be free? Let go. let go. i know i gotta be strong. Nilu and i went G.E and she was so called "councelling" me and pushing my self-confidence up. im sorry it just doesnt work. maybe not yet. She also said "you cry bcuz you lovee him. but if he really lovees you. why did he make you cry?. Y did he hurt you? Y is he so cruel?. he may think its over and you are trying. but he doesnt know how you really feel the way we know you do." Taikhor tried cheering me up. it didnt work. all i did was stare blankly at him.

it hasnt Rained. i feel so bad. i need something extra. i need rain!. i stood next to "him" today and his arm brushed against mine. flashes of memories passed me by and he moved away. the only thing i bucked up my courage and asked him for " Do you have RM 1.00? Hahaha ok nvm =)". Yes, lame but talkin to him my heart relieved a lil.

Hubby didnt come today. i misz him. i can hear thunder just outside my window. Yes! its going to rain. The need to sit outside my hse and feel the rain pouring on me. I go by My msn nick: "unspoken words. unrevealed feelings.unbelieveable You!." so truee? u just dont know how it feels to get up when you fall and get pushed back down again. u dont know how it feels to hide all your feelings and ignore it just to make things ritee. u dont know. u just dont. No rain. No smile.

6:10:00 PM

heartbreak: intense unhappiness or grief

who is it for?

for my girls ..

who cry their heart out in the middle of night

who cry in the middle of KFC with her friends beside her

who cry at home bcoz their one and only love is holding someone elses hand.

who get insecure with her bf even if shes the girl every guy wants

who waste their tears for guys who cudnt care less.

more or less.. if you know them.. thats them...

why am i writing abt them? simple, heartbreaks hurt like hell!

i was eating at KFC the other day and this girl cries her heart out, i said to myself as i heard her sobs, [ouch.... that hurts]

i was hanging out with my friends and i see her close friend.. with another girl. [ouch it hurts!]

i was sitting down with her and she says she cried all night coz he cudnt pick up the phone and say "Baby, stop crying please" [Yea..........it hurts!!!!!!]

i was walking with her and says shes hiding from her guy coz she feels insecure abt other girls.

different situations.. one thing in common..

why do we let it hurt? whose fault is it really?

one way or another, i bet youve gone thru it ritee? where it hurts so much that you dont know wat else to do but cry. .

to cry is a girls way of letting out the pain. sorrow, intense unhappiness and grief. and damn, it gives a hard headache in the morning.

my advice: dont cry your heart out on a school night. tell your bf that if they wanna make u cry your heart, dont do it in KFC, in school. also if they also plan to make you cry the whole night, pls ensure that they have one mighty excuse the morning after.. if you still wish to have another morning after with the both of u together.

so **** * for those freaking bastards to ever let my girls cry! if you really love them, why the Fuck wud u let them cry in the first place?.

tinatamaan kb? wag kng tamaan.. hndi ikaw tinutukoy ko. wag kng feeling.

5:32:00 PM

How things stand, I couldn't just forget you 
I can't just shut you away 
While I know that we couldn't let it get any deeper 
No matter what, I've got to let you know how I feel 
Especially when I'm giving it all I've got 
I want your heart boy, even if it's just for one moment 

I'm still drowning in this love that cannot be 
I don't want to wake from this dream CAN'T LET GO 
It's selfish, but I don't care 
I want your unwavering love right here 

come one now baby, come on... 

*him* 
yeah, yeah, yeah... 
It all started off with "Hey how you doin'?" 
yeah, yeah, yeah... 
A love story wound open as we met eye to eye 
yeah, yeah, yeah... 
And now, I'm left wondering "do love and loss come as a set?" 
yeah, yeah, yeah... 
Time stands still, even though I left you 

*him*
I make myself believe that I'm alright 
Though it hurts my heart for you not to be by my side 
Just wanderin' if you feel the same (same) 
I wanna see if these feelings are for real. 

*him*
Idling away your life doesn't make you nobody 
So don't be afraid, loosen up your reins 
If you wanna be free, let go... I'm tellin' you 
EGO is terrorism of the heart 

so, just listen 

Though sweet and silent time passes by 
My body - It's breaking apart, boy why does it have to be like this? 

I'm envoloped by dark anxiety. (I feel like I'm going to break.) 
Oh why do I try to monopolise love? 
All without saying a thing 
All I want is for your love to be right here. 

*him* 
I lept aboard just as the Love Train's doors began to shut 
A man who doesn't like to wait, straight no chase 
Speeding towards the reality we now face. run, run run, 
The hands on my watch don't stop 
The magic that only works once, the key to destiny 
How suddenly things changed, it ridicules logic 
Don't hurry and Mr. Heartbreak might stay 
Rewind, fade, the memory returns 

Tell me how to be free 
Oh baby, oh baby 
Will my heart be free 
So tell me even for just a moment


Mflo. i love them! hehe. Tis is my song to "him?"
* i love rain. Make me think of you *

12:30:00 AM

Tuesday, November 28, 2006Y

All Over again.

Omg! im still blogging. suppose to use this time to study. But fuck it. i cant concerntrate.

"Evrything's effed up straight from the heart. tell me what do you do when it all falls apart."
* ill tell you what you do.. BLOG!*

im eating a whole 300 Grams of Famous amous Cookies. Kak called me fatty and i cried. i just wished it rained again. always puts a smile on my face. "You can tell me dt u lovee me. those just words. you can tell me dt u dont need me, i know dt hurts. but im looking at picture cos thts all i've got". Yes thinking of you. I dont love you. i loved you. i just cant stop thinking of you at a time like diz. Remember when it happened? i cried so much. u apologised. u told her to stop and you hugged me?. I loved you for dt. its scary to think but all i need is YOU now. Im lost not to hear "honey.baby.sweetie." anymore. i just want to hear those words again. At times i forget and blurt out " HONEY!, Where are you?". wishing i cud call you now and hear you say "honey. what's wrong?." But im too afraid. even to walk up to you. Guilt got to me. Something always rides up my throat. Words dont come out ritee. I need something extra. i need you. My only memories of you. Rain.Ring.Notes*.Msgs.Pictures. i didnt writee it down. it just got deleted but its all up here locked and kept in my head. Remember Ser* hse? yes, i may say bad memories. it hurts. but i have too keep it a secret.

Me and my Malay-chinese-korean movies. emotions. *tsktsk*.

i wish we cud start over. Forget d drama. Forget "them". Forget everything. Honestly, i have never been so upset.hurt. in my lifee. i guess its Punishment for all the "wrongs" i did.
" i use to stand so tall. i use to be so strong". I blame you!.. still wondering "why?why?why?" u still havent answered me. with dt answer i think i can sleep in peace. " cut the bullshit and tell me you really "dont" lovee me ". he said.she said.they said. You're too nicee. Kak called me a door mat. walked on.stepped on. not noticed. only used. i admit it hurts. but so truee. i guess i am. am i? too kind. too generous.too stupid. But its my problem. Im strong(kinda). i can do this. i have too. just thought you shud know. meeting you and loving you has turned my lifee upside down. My only happiness is to cry?. ure smile.ure laughter.ure touch. makes me happy but makes me want to cry at the same time. I told you " dont ignore her. she is still ure FRIEND. " she always will be. ignoring doesnt help. it hurts. i maybe gone one day bt she wont. if you lovee her (as a friend) you wud do it to set things ritee. Fuck! what "they" say dont care. i dont care! u're stronger then me. u're stronger then dt. show them. show her. show me. i love you and i know you can do this. =)

11:21:00 PM

Sit down, give me your hand
I'm gonna tell you the future
I see you, living happily
With somebody who really suits ya
Someone like me?.

Stand still. Breath in
Are you listening?

You don't know
Somebody's aching. Keeping it all in
Somebody won't let go of her heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show

Break down. Give me some time
I don't want the fear to confuse ya
Right now, it's so wrong
But maybe it's all in the future with
Someone like you

Stand still. Breath in
Are you listening?

Maybe truth, maybe lies
Made me want you
Maybe dumb, maybe wise...?
I don't know.

Somebody's aching. Keeping it all in
Somebody won't let go of her heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show
You don't know
Somebody's hurting. Holding it all in
Somebody can't let go of her heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show

Love show
Your love show.

heard this new song and it just got to me.
Music play list:

* Too little, too late- Jojo.
* What hurts the most- Rascall flats.
* Who knew?- Pink.
* Over my head- Fray.
* Say Goodbye- Jordan Knight. Deborah Gibson.
* All over again- Ronan Keating. Kate rusby.
* Black Parade- My Chemical Romance.
* Too the end- My Chemical Romance.
* Say Goodbye- Chris brown.
* How could you- Mario.
* Let Go- Mflo Loves Yoshika.
* Otherside of love- Mflo loves sister E.
* Crying- Mflo.
* Miss you- Mflo.
* Photo- Ryan Cabrera.
* Confidence- Teddy Geiger.
* Save me from Myself- Christina Aguilera.
* Don't wanna try- Frankie J.
* Fergalicious- Fergie.
* Dont Lie- Black eyed peas.
* Gallery- Mario Vasquez.
* Baby Come back to mee- Vanessa Hudgens.
* When it all falls apart- The veronicas.
* Love show- Skye. =)

10:49:00 PM

.rain.

i love d rain makes me think of you.* in case ure wondering who is diz "you". its not hubby but its "him".*
yesyes, today is our EX-anniversary. today it was to be 3 yrs. i cudnt help but think..do you still remember??. i do. and i miszed you. but its my decision. im still so sorry. i walked and danced under the rain. i cried a hidden cry. this memory. i cherish. until we meet again.

I cant get y my so-called friends still talks abt it?. they think i shud just leave him wid a slap on his face. but sorry im not like dt. tell me im wrong?. its my problem. i said hi to her. for the first time, putting my heart and soul in dt hi. *hidden message behind. "im sorry for what happen.forget d drama. forget him".

hubby told me More.more.things dt i wish i didnt hear. yesyes.. no wonder. he just has too many secrets. "john tucker". it did hurt me more. but im trying to ignore dt feeling. My commerce mocks tumoro..i havent studied. i feel so bad now. no wonder "they" were like dt. i feel its all my fault. if onli i hadnt met you. but im not gonnna let diz go becuz of "dt". im sorry u want em. u go thru me first x). the minute wee* said "if he loves you he wudnt cheat". Jie yin* luked at me. i felt like an idiot. shi* was wondering y so all i did was put up my fake smile.

it was then. when life seemed so cruel. u showed me the better side of it. Put aside all the Hurt. im trying too. im seriously trying too. How come when everything is getting better. My hearts sewing itself back together. something will come and tear it apart again. i cant take it. you said dt im strong. Yes, im strong but onli on the outside. deep inside im diz shy.scared.confused.emotional little girl. like i said my self-confidence is going down. i feel so stupid for the first time. Ibu was wondering y i didnt eat much. Aba was scolding me cos he thinks i want to be like those skinny girls i see in the mag. But no. i just cant . i cant eat.sleep.smile.laugh.talk.study. i just cant. i feel its too much work?. My life now is Draw.music.sleep.blog. I really hate my fone and i threw it when i gt home. it broke bt i fixed it together [:

Aleez* was asking me abt "him" and all i cud say was im trying too. "i miszed him". but we cant . i cant. he always gives me dt "luk" when we were together. it always brightens my day wid a lil laughter. Memories. i mizsed talking to you. i miszed laughing wid you. i miszed crying on your shoulder. "i wanna touch you again. i wish i cud still call you friend". well, atleast i hope we are. ending with " i love rain. makes me think of you."

7:51:00 PM

Sunday, November 26, 2006Y

Ony One. Emotions.

my onli blog for d day.
woke up at 9*ish went church. gt gr8 new. went klcc.
thought i bump'd into nGGi but it was someone else. [: freaky guys luking down my shirt. bro giving them "the look". argued wid aba abt studies. ibu told me to curl my hair. kak scolded me and told me to go off my diet. Thought abt him. My friends told me to go out wid "him" and if anything happens just tell hubby dt "we are equal". felt really insecure. for d first time someone said something nasty and i cried. usually i wud take it and walk off makin them cry. this time its opposite. Seriously, my self confidence has gone down. i feel foolish and shameful. talked to hubby and he told me more things dt i wish i didnt hear. feel really bad now. kept on asking him "why?why?why?". Yes, once again. " its over and done but d heartache lives on inside". it rained again this afternoon. thought of you. a tear drop rolled down my pink cheeks and onto my shirt. Mocks start tumoro and im so stupid to still think like this. im happy she is moving on. but upset i just cant. im so sick of tears! im just too emotional now!. im trying. bt i just cant. "its hard to force dt smile and lie". i laughed so hard at my kaks joke onli to realize dt instead i cried. Kak wants to bash him up but as what "they" said. if you weren't arnd or didnt care i think i wud have "Chopped him". I threw tantrum at dad cos i wanted my new phone NOW! but he told me there wud be no beach if he buys it now. dt shut me up bt still im getting too impatient!. thank God weekends r over. Life's a bitch.

10:16:00 PM

Final.

have been blogging all day. this is my fifth blog. Hearts. i have been drawing too many hearts. But none can seem to match mine. i feel like giving up on school. i hate it!. i won. but feel like loser. i feel like turning him over to her. im like a little loser. My self-confidence have gone down. hiding too many feelings. Gonna crack soon. Aba was worried today cos i didnt speak and cos i sed "i cudnt sleep. where are d sleeping pills?". he says he can feel something is up wid me and i shud come clean. Honestly, i felt like bursting out in tears. im too emotional nowadays. i think she thinks im weird. cos its over and im still crying over it. i don't know. When you get a cut. it takes a week till its healed. but when you are hurt. it takes forever till its healed. My latest Quote. "if my heart cud talk. ill sow it up". I need to go to d doctor badly. i cant breathe. i've been coughing and coughing. I hate luking at my fone! feel like throwing it. Heard diz malay song called "My heart". its sweet. atleast i think it is. Watching short films called "skarychildrenRus". its sad. they are sad. sometimes i feel like. holding him. tell him to look right at me and tell me the truth. i feel he is not completely honest. when i wrote you dt message all you said was "its sweet". i kno i took 10 mins its cos all i have to say it just comes out. atleast u shud have sed more den dt. Wearing this bracelet dt smells like him. Makes mee mish him more. Going On a full diet plan. im too fat!. "they" called me a fatty and Yes, for the first time im hurt. So i dont give a damn. im going on a diet whether they like it or not. Tumoro i have to start studying again. i hate diz. tution on monday. tuesday.thursday. i hate mocks! i hate exams!. i hate school!. Im seriously trying. but i just cant.

12:09:00 AM

Saturday, November 25, 2006Y

in denial.

again. feelings come back. i misz d rain. "hide my tears and drown my fears". u tell me dt u love mee. but u still think of her. will u lie again? i don't kno. shud i believe you?. u hurt both of us. u try to make things better but u still end up hurting one of us. i think u shud be d one hurt. Feel it. feel d pain. u told me to give u a chance. i guess i gave u a chance cos i pity you?. No.. cos i love you. i really do. i hear you apologising and promising me but promises dont mean anything anymore. i kno it will happen again. he said.she said.they said. becareful . they told me to forget you. but im foolish. "fools fall in love". i just want to go on and take d risk again. i shudnt. tell me im wrong. once again. i hate weekends.

9:19:00 PM

Wee...

Went to PasarMalam :) . it was raining. i love the rain. makes me think abt you. "Remember when we were in the rain?. we danced the nitee away. Not caring if we gt sick or soaking wet. aslong as we have eachother." Yes, memories. i talked to kak while walking arnd. she was telling me things im glad to hear abt. Engaged. Im going to be a sis-in-law. Soon a auntie [: im proud of my Kak. running her so-called-own business. Im proud to be her adik and proud to have her as my Kak. Age is so different but still we rawk like lil babees. i hate it when i cant sms. no credit! damn! i so love japanese songs. My kaks news just made my day. Happy. ignoring the hurt and pain.

7:44:00 PM

*sigh*

read my Kaks blog. "regrets in life" i burst out in tears. the thought of d day she told me what had happened. if onli i cud have stopped her and made her think properly. its was upsetting to hear abt it. i guess it is even harder for her too live and think of what she did. it was for the best. Yes, but its also wrong. i feel so bad for "it". i hope we cud meet little one. someday. one day. "hope u be happy and forgive them. its out of no choice". like she said " i hope u forgive mommee and daddie. we love you but we had to do this". *sigh* sigh* i wish it never happens again. i dont want to hear this. its heartbreaking and so upsetting. just remember. someday. one day.

5:55:00 PM

Stalker.

Today. saturday. Fuck'd up day.
to wake up in the morning and find dt life's a bitch.
i didnt study. i just cudnt. all thnks to "d dream". the thought of losing you agen.
not to her but to someone else. "john tucker" strikes again. i tried to eat. i cudnt.
iBu scolded me saying im too skinny. i just dont understand dt. Aba scolded me cos i didnt study.
he will buy me my new fone end of this month :). saw a wedding ibu telling me dt one day it wud be me.
Gt calls frm my stalker. i find it cute and sweet to have someone admire you but! i find it weird to have him call you and sms you all d time. Stop! i.he.she told you i have a boyfriend. if you dont understand den too bad. i hate weekends. when it seems so ritee something will make it wrong. i need to go out. ive been blogging too much. i have been doodling too. Fone.Ipod.Blogger.Friendster.sleep.tv.Drawing. = My life.
i feel so useless most of the time. to sit on my couch wid a blankie and hot coco(Milo). wishing to think of something else other then dt. But Memories always get to me. Contaminated my coco wid tears. threw it away. i keep on thinkin and saying. its over but why does it still hurt so much? y does tears still roll down my cheek? why? why? why?. i shud get over it. NO! I have to get over it. Ibu is wondering why too. but i always give this lame excuse dt im too tired or i had diz dream abt "him". i wanna watch step up!. im too lost in my studies and thoughts dt i forgot abt all i use to do and keep updated on. i heard "they" hate me. i don't know why. a few weeks ago. i called you and you called me. went to the park. now you are saying shit like what we have doesnt mean anything?. Like i said life's a bitch. ppl change.

5:10:00 PM

Friday, November 24, 2006Y

The dream i tht was over?

as far as i cud remember. Gt ditched by my Bs. walking along the corridor. hoping to spot them and give em a piece of my mind. instead i saw "him" . who is dt? he is holding her?. i hid behind the lockers as they were too in love to realize. they stood ritee infront of the locker i was hiding at. My heart was beating faster and louder?. he stared at her it luked like he's staring at me. he said "i love you". he kiszed her. Tears started to roll down my cheek. but why? as they walked away. i jumped out and ran as fast as i cud. speechless and upset. it started to rain. "Remember the nitee we stood out in the rain? we danced the whole nitee. not caring if we wud get sick . just d thought of being wid eachother. Now, i walk in the rain to Fight my tears and drown my fears". but why?. it was over a long time ago and why now? all the time to think of this?. its just a dream bt why?. what does this mean? it cant mean i still love him? cos I DONT. i dont MISZ him too. but
why did i cry? enough tears been shed. Enough dreams been shattered?. Enough pain. all i cud say "dt was me". happy for you. [: treat her ritee. treat her much better then you did with me. Cruel. Life's a bitch.

11:28:00 PM

=)

i was "scolded" and told to Get over it!. More ppl have been askin me what happen. Fuck it! i can do this. i think.? drama is over. And mind ure own business. if you wanna kno what happen?. just Keep wondering. I said hi to lil sis today. at first i walked up to her and well something just pulled me back. but then i buck up my courage and said hey. hubby scolded me cos i dont take medicine?. its not my fault! u dont take too and pregnancy pills? dream on!. u take it if u say its got two effects. [: i saw my lil bro's gf today. she's cute >_0*. its seems her EX have been goin up to her and askin her back and wantin her to break off wid my bro. but dt will never happen. he wudnt let it. wud he?. had accounting tution and fell asleep. i just have d need to go shopping!. Mocks r next week and im so ready. =) i really want my new fone NOW! dad is such a meanie! he said he wud buy it and keep it till O-levels are over. Omg! till den i think i end up in Tanjung Rambutan. "insane and dangerous" [: i have been doodling arnd most of my free time. My bs keep on askin me to join art but i dont want. besides Fatty already said no! its better to have 6subs so can concerntrate more. My Bs say hubby is takin our relationship too seriously now?. i dont think so. we call eachother hubby and wifey for fun cos its unique. Bf and Gf is too comon. Well i love you Bs but i love him too. say whatever i dont care cos im the one loving him not you. if its a mistake. its my problem. Cruel. life's a bitch.

9:23:00 PM

Thursday, November 23, 2006Y

i Cant . i Cant . i Cant . i Cant . i Cant . i Cant !

i Cant go on like diz. maybe i shud end it? one side says end it. the other says stay on. i do love him Loads. but i just Cant. 6mths till im gone and God knows what happens when im long gone? "fool.fooled.foolish" dts mee. besides he has changed already. life seems so stupid. Exams are comin and wth am i doin?. if onli i found out after d exams. "i was losing myself to somebody else. but now i see. i don't wanna pretend so this maybe d end of you and me. cos d girl dt u want'd she was tearing us apart. is it cos she is everything im not?." in denial. dts wat Baby Ser* sed. i just dont want to admit myself. i hide my feelings but they kno how bad i feel. i remember i use to "cutt" myself when life hated me. Mayb i shud start again. d pain inside is too much to bare. i wanna let it out by inflickin real pain. Mom wants me to join art. i love drawing but onli can draw when im depressed. listenin to Chris brown - say goodbye. Sadsad. dried up tears. *sigh*

10:33:00 PM

why?

i hated today. it seemed so Depressing. i hate it wen ppl say "r u ok? i feel so sorry for you." its gettin effin annoying. i saw hubby but didnt talk to him. i hate busybodies! i hate S.....!! bitch ure mean! u need to be taught a lesson. still hurting. trying to forget.Scar'd for life. if you loved me. you wudnt do this to me!. E*n-b told me things i wished i never heard. and dt cos d "drama" to have a whole new season. *tsktsk* the trouble with love. My Bs are angry wid me and angry for me?. they wonder y am i so sweet. "eventhough someone did something to me. i wud rather care more for who did it to me".i feel like watchin dt malay Movie "Cinta". they said dt its just one time. one mistake but how sure if there wud be another time?. im gettin irritated by it. i just want it to be over but as i luk and him and her. Flashbacks and memories start to play in my lil cinema. i feel so used. but if you love dt person you shud forgive. "Guilty Pleasures".

"i dont wanna kno if you played me.
keep in on d low,
Cos my heart can't take it anymore"

i love my lil bro. he told me today "if anything Hubby does to you. tell me ill break him in half~!" haha. Dts my bro. well he did but i cant tell you. i love you but i love him too. Mom has been wondering y i luk so glum and y i dont eat.sleep much.always on9.listenin to ipod.draw. she says im too skinny now. OMG! luk at me! i gained weight. its hard when love tears you apart. life seems so slow.hurtful.sleepy. i cant eat.sleep.talk.laugh as i did b4 i knew. i put up my fake smile but deep inside i wanna cry. deep inside its all broken and bleeding. Yes, i am happy but still hurt. taikhor knows now. he is angry but i sed forget it. he told me " to let go. its hard but you have too..if he aint the ritee one for you den you wudnt forgive him." i love taikhor he helps alot. and i give him daily massages in return.

" everything's F'ed up straight from the heart. tell me what do you do when it all falls apart. Gotta pick myself up where do i start? Cos i cant turn to you when it all Falls apart. "

" im so sick of love songs. so tired of tears. so done wid wishing you are still here?"

i cried a million tears last nitee. all dried up. feelings so insecure. u can have whats left of me. whats left of my brokenheart. i use to say to "him" it was you tht mattered now its you thts shattered. haha talk abt Karma. now it was me dt mattered. Now its me thts shattered. i havent been writin much abt him. he is ok. surviving. living life to its fullest. "i miszed you". friends we are?hopefully. "eventhough we moved on it gets so hard to walk away." u like her. happy for you "dt was once me". [:

"u took my hand . u showed me how. you promised me u'll be arnd. i took ure words and i believed in everything you said to me. i kno better cos u sed forever and ever..who knew?."

" I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
It’s hard to force that smile
Still Harder..
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken."

I want my new phone now!!. i really misz atuk! he wud buy me straight away. yes, dendens really a spoilt brat. "i get what i want. when i want it". dad called me a high flyer? he said i need to marry someone filthy rich. a loyal filthy rich bugger. to satisfy me. x) i wish i cud feel tht feelin wen we first started "all over again".

9:38:00 PM

Wednesday, November 22, 2006Y

d ppl i love.

Friends come and go. they mayb new or old. But i have these set of Foos that i kno are wid all the way. [:

Kak nilu - we sing together, we laf together, we cry together. spongebob is nothin widout her squiddy!
Jie Rhea - u were there wen nobody was arnd. we are d original founders of d Bs . Hot and single.
Baby Ser* - my lil babee. she mayb growin up but always momees lil girl!.
Mak Lia - my love. Oh-so-Little.dumb.Freakishly childish dts how long we have be friends. Besstbuddss <3.
Ben Taikhor - we make crossed-eyed ppl luk gud!. always ure faithful massage meimei [:
Weeton - *stares deeply into ure eyes* Puhahaha we always blurt out laffing =P.
Adik lissa - no matter where, how,why? ill always be by ureside. Wee kick as*.
Adik Larns - u Update me wid d latest "gossips". We gossip and backstab like lil babees. =)
Natnat - Double date!! always remember he lOves you! <3
Lil M*mi - Whatevr happened between us. is d past.. "i see.they touch.i swear ill punch!"
Abang Picha* - U helped me thru it all. i helped you get d doll? haha *it rhymes* =P
Joon Hee - yesyes! my bro's d mafia king? Clubbin. its for you&me :).
Prashanti - Hor*y bee? i lovee him! hehe [:
Fav Big sis*shishi - Ups and downs tore us apart but Now ure stuck in my heart!. Memories.
Jie Yin - Lafter.funn.secrets.dates.bfs. all dt run tru our minds :D
Macha Gaga - u take care of teddy. or ill break ure legs in two. x)
Fuz - Feelings have seperated us but u'll always be loved by me?. mish yew.
Alicee - Yes,yes My bulletin board. she rawks My socks!.
Minh*S-young - Communication between us is hard. one day. soon. =)
Lastly, Tata Hubby - frm d day i met you. i nevr regretted one bit. it still hurts but like wat abang sed past is past you gotta forget it and luk towards ure future. Remember "married". Love like a growing flower! 22.sept. ill nevr forget diz date. i love you. <33

"Pictures may fade away bt Memories lasts forever". We are insured By mafia hurt one and WE hurt you. [:

11:25:00 PM

=)

skul was ok. hubby and my 2nd month anniversary!!. Mimi is such a sweetheart. shes unique cos i love her! hehe. skul sucked. i want my fone now. I misz atuk and Nenek. need to go shopping. Hurt but healing. Forgiven but not forgotten. listening to never say goodbye.love will tear us apart. fergelicious. haha =P . im gettin so fat! im so bored. till den.

4:33:00 PM

Tuesday, November 21, 2006Y

boredom

I have been singing dt song "what hurts the most" its so stuck in my head! hehe oh and jojo "too little. too late" [: Korean movies and songs are d bomb! hehe. Cant wait to go christmas shoppin wid mom. Lets plan christmas wish list:

1. New Fone.
2. New clothes.
3. Belly pierce?!* shishi ure influence.
4. To whack S..... up! hehe
5. To burn Ms fatty hehe

Omg! im lame. haha chattin wid lia and M*mi. Haha lia is all Gaga over her sayang and Ma*cus and M*mi is such a sweetie. she gonna get me somethin frm Singapore! hehe ahhh i have to get her something too!..i dont give a sh*t what dey say abt her so what?whocares?i kno what happened was wrong. but she is still a friend. if you dont like her den F u! i do.wat r u gonna do abt it? Nana made her Famous amos Cookies! haha i love her she makes mean Cookies! hehe. Hubby wrote a me a so called "long" email . but its short! short but sweet. i love him but shud i trust him? . OMg! "over my head" my fav song! listenin to it now. hahaha. gonna end by saying "hurt but healing".

8:45:00 PM

what a day..

well me back.. i have no clue why i keep on comin back [: hehe. Hubby gt sick. i was kinda wondering where he went after skul cos we were suppose to meet and he ran away??. i hate it when he is sick. i feel like goin to his hse and take care of him ?? [: Nilu finally came back to skul! she heard abt us "three" to be honest she got so pissed but i had to kool her down and tell her to back off cos its between us onli. she kept on saying he lied! he lied! he hurt my lil sis! but nah denden maybe hurt but she is happy. i saw "her" today and she seems ok?! haha i read her blog and yes i admit eden is cute. i use to play wid him but then i grew outta him? wtf? hehe. her taste of music is great. haha im gonna download those songs [: Taikhor was so proud of my lil bro cos he gt himself a gf =) we were constantly teasing him abt her.. taikhor and his massages!! haha im so proud to have a "huge family" to support me ok lets see : benben taikhor. jie suyin. Weeton. Shishi. adik lissa. joon hee . Jonjon. adik larns. Natnat. kak nilu. lil M*mi. baby ser*. rhea taikajie. hubby. lia. and so on [: hehe. well watelse. nilu was sayin how much of a sweetie i am. if it were her bf she wud have killed him. grilled him.chop him and well ya.. she wudnt even be friends wid "her" but for me i just want to be happy. Mocks r next week and i haven studied much! hehe havin tution. love d tution teacher so funny!! hehe . well i guess dts abt it till den [:

6:26:00 PM

Monday, November 20, 2006Y

funny how you can forgive and forget when it hurts at the same time.

Ok hubby and i work things out. but dt doesnt mean i let him off the hook. Am i doing the ritee thing? tell me im wrong?. i nearly told him " cut the bullshit! and tell me you "dont" lovee me ". i just felt tht way but when i he was apologising i just had d heart to forgive. i swore tht i wont lose him agen not even if time seperates us. and yes im keepin dt promise. i feel really sorry for her. maybe she deserves him?. her msn id says "tell me why this hurts so much". i just feel so bad. i told him dont ignore her . she is still YOUR friend. and yes i just want everyone to be happy. i hate being happy and watchin others all upset. Other than dt, i feel tht "they" shudnt treat her like dt. Y r they so cruel? she is just being herself and they r just being mean!. and i swear they do anything to my lil M*mi ill *censord* hehe. when i see her. i kno i sed we are friends bt there is diz something dt makes me feel sorry and guilt?. My friends are pissed off wid me. they think what im doin is wrong bt what made me feel good was tht " if you lovee him. forgive him.. Momee if your happy then we are happy " ( they call me denden momee cos well.. long story) . i lovee dem [: like i sed i dont blame her. i blame him! weeee... dads gonna buy me d new sony w850i! i cant wait.. but first i gt to study hard [: Taikhor and i were acting all stupid today . "we make crossed-eyed ppl luk good". taikhor wanted to kno wat was gin on between hubby and i but i cudnt tell him cos i kno he WUD do somethin abt it so i just gave him dt crossed-eyed smilee and ran away like a lil babee. hehe [: Oh! i really hate S cos she is pissing off my adik. i swear im gonna sow tht big mouth of hers. worse comes to worse if she says another thing im goin to make her cry and may i say die? haha. Omg! i didnt kno i cud play bball? i rawk! hehe. Lil bro gt himself a lil gf. aww hehe after exams we goin on a triple date? me.T.him.H.Nat and S. hehe its so cute cos its his first gf and first datee aww.. hehe Im so proud now im just advicing him wat to do and not. now d Florido-woon kids all have someone to have and hold till someone cheats?? haha. Abang said dt he shud be more tough and well im not a guy so i cant teach him bt abang and hubby can. besides they are goin to play tennis and football together. hehe well lets see wat happens tummoro. till den.

8:27:00 PM

Sunday, November 19, 2006Y

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away show the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

4:36:00 PM

heartbreak.

U lied! u freakin lied! u promised me. u promised them!! you sed you wud never hurt me luk wat u've done!. My biggest regret was lovin you too much. i dont blame her, i blame you!. boy you took me on a ride. Cut d bullshit! and tell me you "dont" love me. if you did you wudnt do diz to me. like she wrote " if you dont want to hurt her/ love her. Tell her now. Yes, im d last to kno. u don't kno how hurt i am. you took my heart and tore it apart. i gota let go but i cant. i dont kno what to believe anymore. i dont kno shud i trust you. you can melt diz brokenheart but cant mend it again. i feel so foolish. im hurt.heartbroken.upset.angry and i have no clue what to do.

4:20:00 PM

Saturday, November 18, 2006Y

aww. Nt again.

Diz is to "her".
i dont hate you. i wont. ure a nicee girl and "he" is lucky to have you as a friend.
as far as i can say i forgive and forget . i hate losing friends. esp wen they are new.
i wish dt i can talk to you face to face abt diz. you mind? and again dont worry. i
dont hate you. i never will ure still my M*mi hehe. Dont hate ureself cos wen d worlds hating you dere is always someone there loving you . hehe ..

10:45:00 PM

*weekends*

Gawd how i hate weekends. i constantly have been saying "y cant i be like her". didnt study. Mocks in 1 wks time. i misz hubby. dad decided to buy me d new sony erricson w850i. cant wait for holidays. Gta go on a diet im too fat "why cant i be like her??!!!" . insecure abt myself. Selfconfidence is goin down. Gta go shoppin. i need my hubby. i hate myself. im not mad.. i just dont like d fact he didnt tell me. ending wid "i really hate weekends".

9:51:00 PM

Friday, November 17, 2006Y

*sigh*

random bloggin. havent been bloggin. i hate skul. i Hate her! i love him but i dunno shud i trust him?. i believe my hubby but im not 100% sure if i shud. "i promised not to hurt you and i still kept dt promise. i love you dts all im doin" last thing u sed to me. Melted my broken heart but is it just sweet talk as an excuse or isit cos u realli mean it? i dunno who or what i shud believe anymore. Hubby u gt limits and u promised me. i gave you my heart Pls dun tear it apart not anymore. wat i heard today tore it too bits but there is still one part left. One small part of hope. hope dt u do realli love me and im d only one. i wanna trust you bt im afraid too. i dun wan to be d fool at the end.

5:28:00 PM

Sunday, November 12, 2006Y

carnival day.

it was boring. Hanged out wid my honey for like wat? an hr. cos he had to do horror hse. we went in .. it wasn't d best but still good. [: took loads of funny pixs. rhea ditched us for her bf. [: we goin crazie over guys? making fun of ppl . heheheh "he" bought d same shoe as i! hahaha weird but wt does dt mean? hehe nothing much happen. just miss him so much! well skul tumoro. till den [:

8:14:00 PM

we dance best when we're drunk!

hahaha. friday a night to remember. but sadly i cant remember half of what happen [: well ok here's wat i remembered. stayed over at ser* hse. planned not to go cos afraid it wudnt work out. called nilu and told her we may not come. but after 5mins of convincing we decided to go . so to kill time we went swimmin it was weird cos ser* gMa was dere and like we wanted her to go but she kept sayin no. haha so lets see at arnd 11.45 we started to get ready. den at 12.20 we slowly creeped out d hse den out of d balcony and down d roof. it was scary cos i was short so cudnt reach d pillar. so ya success!! we gt out undetected. [: called nilu* "private" taxi driver. he came at arnd 12.45 den we went to pick up tata. we reached heritage at 1.05. so its party time ... met rimka and manpreet. Mandy was dere too and a few other guys. we went to bed?! but bcos of sum unwanted fiasco we had to leave so we hanged at mojos. *note to self: never bring tata!! hehe* we danced. drank till 3.45 ...all stupid and drunked we went home . aww said hi to some hottie wen we were in d taxi [: hehehe. gt home had to climb back d roof . and well dt was d end of our clubbing adventure. [: till den.

7:53:00 PM

Tuesday, November 07, 2006Y

writee moree..

Skul in like.. 5 hrs time. no clue why im here. Skul suxs. Chatted wid an old buddie of mine Gonna hang out at her place after her mocks. down wid d flu. baby stole my jacket. freezing here. im upstairs can hear an arguement between my parents and bro. Friday a day to never forget. a sleepover at boobys hse. Getting all drunk and shit. yea! dts d shit ritee here. [: gonna gt booty drunk and puke all over d swimming pool . Oh! clubbing wid em bs real soon [reminder to Booty: i'll get u all drunk and i gt even more drunk . remind me dt "i have a boyfriend"] for you to remember and me to try and remember. well till den. [:

12:15:00 AM

Sunday, November 05, 2006Y

After a long time..

im back after so long. loads of things happen. tests r over but results suxed. feel like punching " misz Fatty ". us bs going crazie and running arnd d skul. Had freakishly-weird dreams abt "him". My baby and i went out anrd bintang and it was a blast* clubbing is not for us but standing outside d clubbing area and dancing d night away was sweet [:* . going tru a diet plan which i believe is sort of working. trying to sell my fone but seems everyones too broke. well guess dts abt it. Carnival is next week. and d followin week 22.11.06 is our 2 monthsary. i love him <3

6:45:00 PM