Wednesday, January 31, 2007Y
7:37:00 PM
pain is all i feel now..let it out ?? how ?? hurt my self and feel it physically ?? change ?? stop thinking bout it ??
-that i cant do
they'd remain in your heart..hard to admit..love so PAIN..running through your cuts..leaving scars..to remind you of EVERYTHING
mistakes..happiness..sadness..anger..deception..LOVE..hurt..tears..laughs..hugs..
kisses..letters..calls to say I LOVE YOU..calls to END it..
**MEMORIES**
What is love?
Its like a drug, it gets you addicted and wanting more each day
To do anything just to get it..
Its like putting your life at stake, whether to take the risk or not
To get through the heartbreaks and tears, remembering those 'times'
But..
Its not all about pain and deception..
There are times where you wish it would last forever
Being with them just makes you feel complete as if without them,
a puzzle is missing from your jig-saw..
No matter how you hit rock bottom, there will always be a way to move on
and shine again...
he left today..
far away..
i'll miss you..
even though we've moved on.. well atleast you did..like i said before.. you'd always be my HONEY!..
the way i felt when it started...till the end..till now.. has never changed
[[*The first cut is the deePest*]]
Tears on my pillow..
Cuts on my wrists
these are the words of a broken heart
where did you go..
tonight..
[what ever i say. nothing can ever bring you back to me.]
5:16:00 PM
happiness? overr.school was fun!!laughing and singing!!i miss lee!! haha.benkhor* is so flirty! haha..its official i guess he is in love with me =Dbut he is KHOR!! not BOYFRIEND!!rishwyn is bothering me again!!!and thank gawd tucker was there to keep me company.at first i wasnt so into the "talking mood" with himbut he talking madee me feel so comfortable.friends we aree.. i went all "honest" to him.i told him why im angry. believe him or not. i dunno.but yeah. friends we aree.i asked him abt sis and well, i hopee what i said wud help a lot"dont ignoree. treat her right. you treated me like shit! treat her 100x better pleez."lastly,to you.now i know, its ok...im abit relieved.im sorry for what i did. yes IM REALLY STUPID!!i miss you so much!!not being able to be with you.is so hard!!!sometimes i wish i cud explain!.i want to tell you how i trully feel.reject me?! i dont mind. its not the first time.i just miss you DTS ALL!!im so sorry.i wish i cud turn back time and use those 2 words as a jokee.i seriously didnt want to lose you but my lust got to me.lust for the other one got to me first.and it ended our 2yr relationship.No wait!I ENDED IT MYSELF!!im so stupid.i miss you so much honey!! i really wish it wud be u&i again.but i cant always have wat i want.and besides like you said. if we were to get back togetherit wud be so different.im so so so so sorry!!
i loved you so much!!
i SERIOUSLY DID!!
and i still lovee you eventhough you dont love me back.
ill still be here for you .
"if i cant have you in reality. i can havee you im my dreams and my thoughts."
if im not allowed to touch you. i can only admiree you frm afar.
i lovee you so much.
so so so much fuz honey!!
and dt is something ill never ever regret on doing.
if you want to forget. THEN FORGET!
ill just pretend ive moved on.
but deep insidee ill leave dt big place just for you.
ill pretend ivee forgotten but deep inside ill remember every single thing.
ill pretend to smile. but deep insidee i cry and stab myself for you.
all i do is for you.
but if your happy honey den im happy.
i may cry,shout,scream,beg but nothing will ever bring you back to me.
i just wish i was given another chancee..
tears wont bring you back sweetie.
i lovee you so so so so so so so much!and i miss you more everyday!
im so sorry.
ending with:"i stab myself over&over again whenever i see you."
4:36:00 PM
Oh ps:milk candy rawks!!ive been going arnd bothering rhea* saying"ewwww..... the milk candy sucks!! GIVE IT TO ME!!"thanks again for the candy sis!!.and to you BITCHES!YOU LIKE TO TALK!!COME!! LETS TALK. ILL SHOVE MY SOCK DOWN YRE THROAT!.sakti. shy? noo!! i want my present!!.
12:17:00 AM
school.*sigh*school was alright.i love milk candy!!thank sis!she was super shy today.aww...darlz dont be shy. i wont hurt you! =Dhe is ignoring her. Gawd! i feel likee slappin him!"ya! treat her right!. you treated me likee shit! i dont wanna see her cry."dont worry darlz. big sis is always here 4u. ill get him with my shoe if i see a tear drop frm uree eyes. Fu* said bye to me today .. it was funny.it happened so quickly?i was wid my bro walkin back and he waved.so i confidently waved back with a smile.then ben* comes and starts teasing him.he then kept calling my name and saying bye!! =Di smiled and blushed for a moment.Sue said i shud try... i say im scared but i shud try.korean movies are the bomb!!missing dt feeling coming to school just to see dt special someone.smiling cos dt person makes you happy.and sleeping on the desk with your hand reaching out and feeling dt special someones hand holding on to yours. *sigh* i miss him so much!!.aba took away my laptop so im secretly down at his room blogging!.he ended our loud convo by saying:"i cant believe i have a daughter likee you!!"and all i did was."Ohhh! whatever!!."ending with:
"i wud trade away,give away all the words dt i say in my heart dt ive left unspoken."
12:06:00 AM
Monday, January 29, 2007Y
lil sis got a problem and im gonna help her solve it!
Filthy buggers!! Fuck off!!
2oo7 suppose to be our yr but its not going my way!!
in sickk&tired of lifee.
take a gun put it to my head *boom* i die!
you smile and say "YAY!!!"
but
fuck you! im still here.
so deal with it!.
Tucker,tucker! what did you do now tucker!
dont makee her really cry infront of me cos ill beat you!!
you treat her right asshole!!
OH PS: sis dont worry im always here 4u kay.
*muakz*
xoxo
9:00:00 PM
OH PS:You girls likee to talk shit?!just EAT SHIT AND DIE!!oh and yeah. you go to hell first and ill meet you there.its funny how dt day you acted so nice infront of meplay with my hair and laugh with me. i guess YOu and him have something in common'filthy LIARS!! but i dont mind him. BUT I MIND YOU!!so sow dt delicate mouth of ures or ill clue it together for you!! IDIOTS!f.y.iso what if i talk to her? you gt a problem with dt? must i talk to you isit?! idiots!i want to talk to who i want!. u dont likee?! GO DIE!!but sometimes lifee gets to me and i feel like i wanna CHOKE and DIE! or just stab myself AND laugh at the blood flowing down.to be continued..
8:13:00 PM
confused.today totally Fcuked up!!.not feeling well.darn sleepy.i see him where ever i go.got nervous and kept to myself like an idiot.heard things.i hate You!!NOW I KNOW WHY MI* HATES YOU!!its over a long time ago. y do you still givee me dt look?!i think part of why it didnt work out between him and iwas ureee bloody mouthS!!!and what i heard isnt very nicee.you girls think what? uree all tht?! BULLSHIT!!the only guy dt wud date you is one dt covers his head wid a paper bag!!.and YES! SHE IS MOREEE GORGEOUS THN YOU'LL EVER BE!SO LEAVEE HER THE FUCK ALONE!!i admit i had said things abt her but it was cos i was angry.but past is the past. FORGET IT! and if you BITCHES fail to understand dt!GO TO HELL!!!heard you talk shit abt her during assembly!FUCK YOU!she is gorgeous without her glasses!and you aree just plain fugly!get off her back and FUCKING GET OFF MINEE!
she is happy just the way she is. im happy for her being happy?! =D
but you bitches makes our lives a living hell!
so what if im yr 11.
im not deaf and dumb. i KNO!!
so what if you're older then me. im older thn you by Grade!
and i can break you down anytimee. but i choose not too cos
i want to get out of here!
he???!!! you talk abt him&i honestly, it was all fake!!!
i dont care anymore cos i just dont want to remember it!!.
so GIRLS JUST FUCK OFF!!! FUCK OFF!!!and to you.i dunno whats going on. i guess im just obsessed.i miss you like crazy and all you say is "yea ok".i took of both uree rings frm my lifee and i feel kinda happy.but i know after a while ill get all emo and put it back on.pleez just tell me. i dont want to hold on to false hope.just get rid of me one and for all!!...ending with:"holding on to someone dt DOESNT care nuts abt you is darn stupid."i guess im REALLY STUPID!!as what rhe* said.
7:35:00 PM
Sunday, January 28, 2007Y
11:26:00 PM
KLCC.went klcc.walked arnd whole day.Bought clothes! yay! but its not enuf.cried to ibu abt how i feel abt fu*.she told me to cool down.talked abt my sweet sixteen. cant wait!!!butmust study first.
ate "auntie annes".felt bad for this small girl who goes abt eating ppls leftovers.walked some more. wanted to watch a movie but its too late.sat out at the park.thought of fu*.seeing couples and posters of V-DAY. i got so upset and kept on saying "Fcuk! im a freakin loner"told ibu how much i miss being appreciated. coming to school for a reason and smiling cos tht person makes you happy and she went "one day it wud come back! dont worry." and i go "NO!! but i want now."haha well the rest is a confidential. =D
ending with:"i cud trade away, give away all the words dt i say in my heart dt ive left unspoken."
9:25:00 PM
Saturday, January 27, 2007Y
10:35:00 PM
baby,
*i Miz u!!*
<3,
-denden-
--------------<3-----------------> 
*Mwahz* if i Did ANYTHING riGht in my life was weN i gaVe My heArt tO yOu..i love you ...
-den-
*sigh*
the last few emails. to you b4 it was all over.
i wish i cud say all this again.
i wish i cud say i love you again.
i just lost evrything when i lost you?.
its odd.
i barely smile. and if i do its all fake.
i became so lamee. humour doesnt amuse me anymoree.
i barely laugh. and if i do its all fake.
i dont sing anymoree. i lost the will to sing. but if i do its just cos im bored.
i dont really caree how i look or how i move arnd.
cos its not likee anybody special is watching me!
im not bothered at all.
i rather stay home and go malls then go to school.
my friends aree my joy. but nothing compared to the joy you brought me? haha.
i kno. i kno. lamee!! but its all truee..
ending with:
goodbyes? really? Forever.
5:18:00 PM
3 am.party!party!drunk!drunk!movies!movies!laughter!laughter!screaming!screaming!TILL3 am.hahaha. it wasnt "thee bomb" but still tonns of fun!!=Pi started complaining and all they said was:"shut up! here's a beer!" craziness.ser*.cash&li* went out tht nite. screamin on the fonee. laughing. Li*'s voice in the background! hahaha.i wish i was there.suddenly,li* comes in the pix acting so nicee."what goes arnd.. comes back all the way arnd."i guess he is trying to tell me something.my friends gave me hope. well he gave me hope toobut i feel its false hope.
the meaning to the saying:"im sorry gal, i dont want you anymoree. ITS called KARMA dear.. so DEAL WITH IT!!"hmm.. dts what i think. but sometimes its not what it seems.maybe,he likes dt song?but all i know ...in the end ill end up crying!! and crying!!
and stabbing myself moree and crying to myself. watching the blood flow and saying:
"stupid denden!!! ALL URE FAULT!!"
ending with:
"tell me something i dont know. tell me i shud grow up. tell me im wrong. tell me i shud leave you alone."
so ill just.
continue stabbing myself and drowning my heart until you say what i need to hear.
4:06:00 PM
Friday, January 26, 2007Y
(P.S. ______________
6:46:00 PM
Memories?! err.
"I lived for a long time without speaking,
as if I had sickness that took away my voice.
Watching you, who can not even remember me, I, too, lived erasing you.
Like you who can not find your old self, I, too, lived like I can't remember you.
Let this moment not be reality.
* You wouldn't know. You wouldn't remember who I am.
Long time spent together and happy memories,
everything will be blank to you.
If only I can see your old self again, even though I couldn't,
even just once would not be allowed.
I am a stranger to you.
Is recalling further than love? Is recalling further than our memories?
Look into my eyes.
Can't you see the person you were together for a long time?
Can't you see? *Repeat*
I wonder if I can survive just one day. I probably couldn't.
I wonder if I can be fine for just once. I, too, like a person who does not remember.
I am a stranger to you"
xxif you really dont want me. TELL ME!
i too dont want to hold on to someone dt doesnt lovee me back.
seriously,
im speechless arnd you.
all i want is you too:
"tell me something i dont know, tell me i shud grow up, tell me im wrong, tell me to leave you alone."
like i always mention:
im a big girl& i can handle myself.
5:58:00 PM
WHYWHYWHY!!!im so stupid.today. fucked up/fun?.So heres fucked up:break timee. nil* calls fuz over.i start getting nervous. whole way nil&fuz was chatting? well, for awhilee.i just sat there like a moron and listened to them talk.he said "hi, how are you?" all i did was wavee.he laughed. i nervously Got up and walked away.camee back. moved my chair away and sat really quiet. like a freakin' idiot.Now, wat is wrong with me?????? i want him, i miss him but i cant talk to him.
why!! why!!something gets caught up in my throat when i see him!!i want to say WHAT i WANT to SAY but i just CANT!WHY DIDNT I TALK AND SAY HI?!
WHY DIDNT I LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I USE TOO?.
WHY DID I JUST SIT THERE LIKE A IDIOT?.
WHY DID I STARE AT HIM LIKE I DONT KNOW HIM?!
WHY WHY WHY!!??*sigh*B4 i went home he said "bye denise" and all i did was hide my freakin face behind my jacket and wave!the minute aba came i quickly got in the car and cried?! haha. i was just so upset. how cud i be so cruel? and losee someone like him?the only person dt im forbidden to be with but i dont caree!!now, im craving for him and i cant get him back.rhe* said "this is OBSESSION!" and i went "i guess so." and all i said was "if he doesnt likee it, then ask him to talk bad abt me and im gonee, he will never see me anymore."
*sigh*sigh*So here's the fun:laughing. talking loudly.Li* was so funny. first timee i ever get to talk to him..singing. planning to go karaoke. but Ibu said cannot!.Dinner wid ser* and cash but Ibu said no. Karaoke wud be fun!!. but nvm.. next week =D.Next week:Rhe* bday, Party in the clubs. and yes Rhe* we aree clubhoes? hahaha.ending with:"its hard to love someone and lose them. its even harder to watch them love someone else from a distance and know tht you cant havee them back."
-i die over&over again. i stab myself deep inside whenever i see you. i cry and drown d pain. to have you is likee heaven. to lose you is likee hell!! i guess im stuck in hell-
*eventhough i cant have you. i can hold you in my dreams? and still stare at you right?.*
xoxo*ness.
3:25:00 PM
Thursday, January 25, 2007Y
i'Ve gotten YR 10 stalkers!!
how cool is dt!! =D
7:17:00 PM
Dont crap abt all the things you didnt say.i just lovee stabbbing you over&over again.You dont hear it. so all i tell you is "THIS IS LIFEE!" get real!!!!Dont bother. i am finee.Just dissapear and ill be better.well oh well, it seems you not care anymoree.No worries, i wont cry. you were a bug mistake to begin with.it ended with a hand shake and a smile?.3 Cheers for the greatest pretender!!4 months wasted. 4 months regretted.llikee i said:No worries, i wont cry.You went away. telling me dt we aree good.You came back telling me dt we are still goodBUTstabbing me deeper&deeper frm behind.i have all the right to be angry.You have no right to say shit i didnt do.ill stopp my stabbing sooner or later.i dont want to care anymore.evryday going thru the same routine.and seeing you?. I rather die!xx sadsad!!. he doesnt want to talk to me?!all i want is you to say a simple "hi and how are you?"xx Go away Rishwyn stalker!i dont like you!! i dont want to even get to know you.so get lost AND DONT SAY HI!!.xxanonymous sms's haha. OMG!! stop stalking me. and its always a YR10 student.GAWD!!! hahahahhahahahhahah. wud somebody just tell me who is DAN?.ending with:im dying over&over again.just to hear your voice.Just to hold you again.It was wrong.i was wrong.xoxo*ness.
6:35:00 PM
Aching.
Deep inside I was aching.
Thought i had him.
Had him to hold.
Had him to keep.
Had him to love.
In my mind, he was mine.
All mine.
Didnt' even think about his background.
Didn't think it would matter.
After all i had him.
Even if it was just for a little while.
But I wanted more.
More than he could offer.
He then had another.
In which his heart really desired but lost
Blinded was i for i couldn't see the desperation
In his eyes it was shown clearly.
But i chose to ignore it.
Now knowing that he was on the rebound.
My heart sank
Regreting the day we met.
The day it occured.
I let him take charge.
That bastard almost made me loose something precious.
He didn't deserve to be the first.
He didn't deserve to see anything.
To have anything.
To have me.
XX to all them Girls who has been tru this. Fcuk him! life goes on..
taken frm rhe* bloggy. i likee so i borrow?! =B
today boring day. freefreefree. i hate it..
he didnt come to school.
heard abt lil sis friend. and i so pity her!
Gawd! guysguysguys C.R.U.E.L!
eventhough i dont know her. i feel so bad.
ive.we've.they've been thru it and honestly,
IT SUCKS!
but lil sis if u read this tell her:
Get on..cos there is no us crying over someone dt is simply.. argh!! haha.
u get what i mean. Dont worry. ure not alonee.
yepsyeps, i write abt evrything dt happens. eventhough i dont know it or whatever.
Khor has been staring at me whole day and all i do is smile back =D.
the "bastards" mouth still cant stop!
Oh and F.Y.I ben* is just a brother. and NO! im not inlovee.
takee back all ure silly words.
i cling on to him cos i want too.
im NOT a playgirl?! if dts what you think.
i never take anyone for granted.
i NEVER LIE!
i never pretended!
You just shut it!! BULLSHIT!BULLSHIT! dont talk SHIT!
i cant take the sight of you. Just dissapear!. im "everywhere" bcos this is a free country.
i study in the samee Fcukin' school incase you havent noticed! just wait 4 months and im gonee. no moree me and my stupid facee [if dts what you say] and besides, dont be afraid of me. ill not hurt you. cos its really inhuman to do tht. ill just keep on stabbing you until you finally die?! hahaha.
its funfunfun!! i lovee my polka dottie boxers!! WEEE.. =D
OH PS:
this is a secret so SHHHSH!!.
ending with:
"ill always be right here waiting for you."
4:40:00 PM
Wednesday, January 24, 2007Y
Lia* babee, starbucks.movies.shoppin.uree mad hse.uree freaky ex.talktalktalk.laugh.crycrycry.
[akan datang. saya rindumu.]
Anika* always here for you. BITCHES can talk but can NEVER bring you down. REMEMBER dt.all of them Bumdums. Yes, i lovee you! and after i do what ivee been plannin for months you'll be saying " i love den, she's the best" [ hint : PEPPER SPRAY* go figure]to the "bastard"!! talk moree shit!!! ill get you!!.shut it! cos all dt comes out frm uree mouth is BULLSHIT! dont cross me. ivee been patient ever since i started here. to "asshole" just dissapear cos i REALLY dont want to see you.to "you". i hope you say no. i hope you say yes.im just as scared as you. i dont want anything to go wrong and i cry for the wrong reasons.don't worry im a big girl, i can handle myself.i just miss you dts all.
ivee been fading away. away frm them. trying to make things right. but it always goes wrong.
One day, it wud be "all us" again.
=D
10:38:00 PM
My Boxer shorts! yay!! =D.
hahaha.. i loveee. its polka dottie!! =)Hmmm.. freefreefree! i dunno why am i goin to school.haha.
The song[s] stuck in my head:"For every piece tht wants you, another piece backs away. this cud be nothing but im willing to give it a try.""You know you did it..I'm gone to find someone to live for in this world There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight just a bridge that I gotta burn You were wrong If you think you can walk right through my door That is just so you coming back when I've finally moved on I'm already gone Sometimes shattered never opened nothing matters when you're broken That was me whenever I was with you Always ending, always over back and forth, up and down like a roller coaster I am breaking that habit today"lastly,"Let's start over Well try to do to it right this time around Its not overBut a part of me is dead and in the ground. This love is killin me But your the only one It's not over. "Ending with:fake smiles all the way baby.i miss you.
10:15:00 PM
Aww..them*ness.haha Okay school was kinda boring?.i came to school all moody and sleepy
Reason:Ibubapa. kak had a "talk". a really LOUD and aggressivee "talk.which ending up stating " i want a divorce?!"Couldnt sleep whole night.During break Sleeping Oh-so-nicely on the tables den fatty comes.woke me up in fright and seeing her freaky smile. its likee a nightmaree. to be honest, i still havent recovered =D.now evrytime i close my eyes i hear her say "what is this bed time isit?".OMG! haha.was so upset.sleepy.confused.angry. khor was being so sweet by saying " you wud always have a shoulder to cling on =D" and i go "yep, i kno =B." My babes aree always the best. i lovee ser* and herr bloggy."Forget him" i guess i shud. but its really difficult.this what she writes? hahah (im not stealing. i just likee it) :"Forget his name
forget his face
forget his kiss
his warm embrace
forget the love that you once knew
forget him when the played your song
remember when you cried all night long
forget how close you once were
forget how you memorized his walk
forget the way he use to talk
forget the things he used to say
remember he has gone away
forget his laugh forget his grin
forget the way he held you tight
forget the time that went so fast
forget the love that moved its past
forget he said that he will leave you never
cause thats all bullshit!!"
Yep, so truee. went to G.E with them.. crossing the road was fun. they tellin me dt khor likees me? AHH! but he and his flirty signs NOOO! hahaha. khor is just my khor. =D eating icee-cream. meeting with ibu. lookin out for a bikini? hahha. ivee gten 2 already ser*&rhe* needs theirs. haha. but im goin to roxy or billabong and buying another =P OMG!! i bought myself a cutee pink polka dotty boxer shorts!! yay!! hahahha.. [will post it up later]. its so cutee =) i lovee. hehe. walked back to school. found out fu* was already gonee. Got all upset and said "i came back to see fuz but now he's gone."
it is said:
"eventhough i cant have him. i still can stare at him."
stupidity kills. miss him likee Fcuk! haha.
the one person im forbidden to be with but i just cant get enough of him.
"ill keep denying you until i finally admit."
your memories just cant get out of my silly head.
i dont mind. i guess your just meant to be there.
ending with:
My babes aree my lucky star.
i lovee them likee jello?! haha.
Khor makes me smilee. i guess you do make me happy.
xoxo*ness.
7:01:00 PM
Tuesday, January 23, 2007Y
8:35:00 PM
"You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try."
5:02:00 PM
"Hold on little girl Show me what he's done to you Stand up little girl A broken heart can't be that bad When it's through, it's through Fate will twist the both of you So come on baby come on over Let me be the one to show you I'm the one who wants to be with you Deep inside I hope you feel it too Waited on a line of greens and blues Just to be the next to be with you Build up your confidence So you can be on top for once wake up who cares about Little boys that talk too much I've seen it all go down Your game of love was all rained out So come on baby, come on over Let me be the one to hold you Why be alone when we can be together baby You can make my life worthwhile And I can make you start to smile"
xx a song dt Khor gavee me. nearly broke down in tears. cos its sweet =D
khor and his flirty signs. hehehe... he talked bad abt RAIN. i gt mad and asked him to get lost.
today a okok day. free free free. kak says dt khor likes me? i told her to get real =X
Gotta study. soon.soon. My bs aree the best!! Rhe* bday next month nd i want to makee her feel like a princesS? hehehe. *tsktsk* =B
3:56:00 PM
